Things change. Younger people don't think that they will feel old any time soon. They just don't know.
I went ahead and got the girls for a little while and went to Mom's. Elizabeth had a blast playing with the dog, Joe helped cover windows with plastic, jesse helped cut would for Mom's wood burning stove, so maybe she wouldnt get so cold. Serena cried in pain with her diaper rash...for hours. I have very mixed feelings....she has a mark of ink on her leg that's been there since last weekend when Elizabeth wrote on her. I wanted to ask Nancy if she's bathed her since then...I didn't want her mad at me...especially since she isn't on her own blowing what I say out of porportion sometimes.

I looked in the cedar chest today. There were letters from me to my Mom when I was 11 and 12. It was strange to see what I had written and to know that I am almost exactly the same person as I was then. My writing is still the same. What my Mom always called Flowery. The letter I wrote her from 1985 said that....I had 3 wishes. Keeping in mind I was 11. 1. That I would someday be able to live with peace.2. That I would live beneath a star of love and life. 3. That I would be reunited with my Mom someday. I always thought that they were keeping me from her. I didn't know she was sick. She was sick for a long time. Since I was about 11 until I was about, I don't know. 16 maybe. ( sick= addicted)
One never recovers from that...you just have to hope your willpower is stronger than your illness and that you don't stumble or fall. I had four very good reasons to get where I am now. And then two more came along.

I love my Mom. I didnt always like the things she did, but that doesn't change the heart. I had such a strong need of my Mother when I was young that I think it carried me through all the bad things.I never wanted to think of her in a bad way. But she was a very selfish person for a very long time. She has had a lot of time to think about it. I forgive her. I love her, I don't want to lose her. I want to see if we can mend it all. And with that, let me say. I, too, had been selfish in the past. I took so long just to mature mentally....I was sick and lost my way and have many things for which I am guilty. I don't blame anyone but myself for that. But I can move on.


Something else I saw was a letter from my Dad when I turned 14. We were living in Jasper, Texas. I loved it there. I could just be me....and not worry about who was going to hurt me now. Anyway. It was one of those letters. It was pretty general. Checking on me, to see how I was and it said that he sent money. But I know I didn't get anything for my birthday from him that year. At least, not that I knew of. I can speculate but I'd rather not. To me the letter was to make sure I wasn't telling my Mom what he'd done to me. I had already told Aunt Gayla because my friends Mom made me. They moved me to Oklahoma with my grandma to make sure I couldn't tell anyone about it, or more to the point. So I couldn't tell my Mom about it. But I'd made such a stink and wanted to be with my Mom so badly. And my grandmother was a very impatient person. I was a very quiet girl and did what I was supposed to do, but I did what kids do.

As a child I often felt as though my life had run out of hope. I almost think that I continue to have that feeling. That maybe it's what my lot in life is....this pain and discomfort.

Im all over the place...Im just tired...so long for today.

mood: complacent

o        Proverbs 10:14 (Speaking too much can get you into trouble.)

o        Proverbs 10:19 (Speaking too many words lead to sin.)

o        Proverbs 10:31 (A perverse tongue is cut out.)

o        Proverbs 11:9 (The godless do harm to others with their mouth.)

o        Proverbs 12:18 (Words can hurt those around us.)

o        Proverbs 18:6 (Foolish people invite trouble when they speak.)

o        Proverbs 18:7 (A fool sets a trap for himself by what he says.)

o        Proverbs 26:7 (A fool’s mouth is useless to him.)

I am sometimes guilty of the same things. And I am sorry that I cannot contain my impetuousness sometimes.

We must band together and be what everyone needs. The end is coming soon and we will experience it in our lifetime. There is no sense in trying to hurt each other when we will hurt enough.


I don't blame you, Nancy. You were a little girl and I was a very lost Mommy. Never never does someone ask for something like that to happen to them. You are my little girl and I love you. As a child you are unable to control things in your life and that's why you depend on your parents to do it for you. But sometimes a parent that has had so little time trying to contain the peace in your life, has trouble not trying to help you still, when you are older. So no matter what, I will be here when you need me. I am glad we've made peace with each other. Now, if we could just learn to still our tongue, hmm?

I can't imagine how hard it is to just let something like that go. I still have trouble sometimes even though I have long forgiven my parents. It doesn't change the wrongs that were committed against me, but neither does it change the happy things I exerienced either. I am who I am and I wouldn't change me now.

This speaks about how I feel about me now......

The baby girl without a chance
A victim of circumstance
The one who oughta give up,but shes just
too hard headed!
A single mom who works two jobs
Who loves her kids and never stops
With gentle hands and a heart of a fighter
Im a survivor

I dont believe in self pity
It only brings you down
may be the queen of broken hearts
but i dont hide behind the crown
when the deck is stacked against me
I just play a diffrent game
My roots are planted in the past
and though my life is changing fast
who i am is who i wanna be

Reba McEntire


I've been thinking a lot about what I've been going through and I've come to conclude that it can't really be that hard. it's not like I don't have other options or that every door is closed to me. It's just change, that's all, and change happens all the time. How we deal with it is what defines the person we are. And so the next thing I put down is a Yuni Saying


People come into your life for a reason, a season, or
a lifetime. When you figure out which one it is, you
will know what to do for each person.

When someone is in your life for a REASON . . . It is
usually to meet a need you have expressed. They have
come to assist you through a difficulty, to provide you
with guidance and support, to aid you physically,
emotionally, or spiritually. They may seem like a
godsend, and they are! They are there for the reason
you need them to be.

Then, without any wrong doing on your part, or at an
inconvenient time, this person will say or do something
to bring the relationship to an end.

Sometimes they die.
Sometimes they walk away.
Sometimes they act up and force you to take a stand.

What we must realise is that our need has been met, our
desire fulfilled, their work is done. The prayer you
sent up has been answered. And now it is time to move on.

When people come into your life for a SEASON . . .
Because your turn has come to share, grow, or learn.
They bring you an experience of peace, or make you laugh.
They may teach you something you have never done.
They usually give you an unbelievable amount
of joy. Believe it! It is real! But, only for a season.

LIFETIME relationships teach you lifetime lessons; things
you must build upon in order to have a solid emotional
foundation. Your job is to accept the lesson, love the
person, and put what you have learned to use in all
other relationships and areas of your life. It is said
that love is blind but friendship is clairvoyant

It makes me want to cry, but maybe crying is just what I need. No part of my life is the whole of my life. It's the parts brought together that says what my life is. I can't be happy in one part and not the other and be a happy whole person. It's an every changing undulating diamond.  of several facets.

You have to forgive and forget. Just be. I know it's hard because I am struggling with it now and always.



Be strong and know that just because something happens doesn't mean life doesn't go on it just may be going on differntly than before. For better or worse, live....

And remember God is my Redeemer, and He lives!


I'm not mad. I'm not even that aggravated right now. I miss my son, who is just across the way. But I don't want to intrude, I don't want him to want to disown me again. I miss my daughter and her girls. I miss my Mom and Dad and I miss my grandmothers. And I will be missing someone until the day I die, I suppose. Then I will be whole and with my family and my mind will be fully opened to all things as I imagine the people that have gone before us exerienced.

God willing.







 

mood: contemplative music: Greatest hits of the 70's